OC LiveBlog - The Metamorphosis!

This is going to be an interesting liveblog as I am watching the OC on my computer at the same time I use the computer to type the liveblog. I get the feeling I’m italicizing in the wrong places, but the point is, it’s a juggling act and thank god Windows Media Center has a small, “keep on top always” window so I can keep my Word goin’ at the same time as the OC is rollin’.

Yeah, I just clipped the G off of two words in a row. I’m that cool.

I’m quite excited about this episode as I read online that Summer is going to really come into her own on this episode. Go Sum, we always knew you were better than Marissa, even though she stuck you with that shitty nickname.

We begin with Summer sitting down in some kind of counselor’s office and confessing that she has changed since she got to college. “What’s happening to my body?” This turns into a little montage showing the five stages of grief. Which is way cool, I have to confess. The classical music in the background only makes it that much better, except that I seem to recall seeing this same kind of montage on another TV show before (what is it?). She wears an I <3 Trees shirt while she says she is going to go back to celeb gossip and adds, “Crutches, ew.” She says she has to go back to her old shallow self to be good with Seth again. Good to know.

Cut to Seth standing in the airport at 8:30 am east coast time saying Summer’s gonna dump him. He wears a yucky mustard colored sweater which I’m oddly drawn to, and wakes up Ryan to tell him this extremely important information. Apparently he took some bizarre red-eye flight otherwise why is he waiting at the airport at 8:30 am? Summer enters all made up and looking hot again and kisses Seth right away. She is wearing a super cute tunic number and possibly leggings again. Why! I will not complain as Seth in cute moment says “My baby’s back!”

We shall see, eh?

Ooh, a new intro… Was this here last week? Willa (Caitlin) is in it and Taylor too! Good.

Ryan is running like hell on the beach and looks like he’s in some major pain. Maybe if he spent less time fighting people in cages he would not have so much trouble running and would have arms that were less beefcakey. HE and Sandy are doing the surfer dude thing and no one has mentioned the fact that he still isn’t in college, because that is never a problem in teen sitcoms.

Oh sweet, they finally bring it up. Sandy says he’s glad Ryan is back to his old self with a new job and being home. His job is being a waiter I think. I feel like he could find something better like all that construction he used to be good at.

Cut to Seth and Summer post-coital and all Summer’s enviroposters. She confesses that the old Summer is back with the artificial tanning

In a moment of plug, Seth has bought her The Valley season 3, which is another way of saying “Yes, we still haven’t sold any of last seasons’ shittitude to you fans hanging on by a thread.” The OC continues to have no shame.

Now, Sandy recaps the past couple of seasons to Kirsten to show that yes, he really is the sturdy and reliable one. With no friends, though. (Jimmy left TWICE…. And for what? I don’t see Tate Donovan up to anything interesting, or at all.) He wants to ask someone on a man-date because Ryan won’t hang out with him. Apparently he wants to hang out with some guy who is a good golfer and Kiki counsels him on his man issues. The moments between these two are totally not as good as they used to be… there is absolutely zero chemistry and Kirsten always seems to be baking or sitting around reading the newspaper. Come on bring back some Kiki drama!

Julie and her money-mongering daughter talk about how they need a new man to give them a free ride. While Julie continues to live in her separated husband’s house, she offers to ban men if her skank daughter will stay out of trouble. I think that Caitlin is wearing black nail polish, not surprised. Taylor marches in all perky and non-sweaty in a workout outfit asking if anyone wants a protein scramble, which sounds like a euphemism to me, and Caitlin points out that something from “Henry Michael” has arrived in the mail which is NOT how you spell “Henri-Michel, secret husband,” but whatevs. Taylor freaks out (she is wearing wristbands WHY?), and Caitlin pretends to check out the pool guy (been there before) to trick her mom into being the slut she really is.

Ryan is working at “El Pavo Guapo” which involves scooping full bowls of tortilla chips into piles, when Taylor shows up to charm him into helping her with something. Big surprise. She says she needs to get divorced and her husband is on the way to Newport, an event requiring Ryan because she will give into the hubby a.k.a. “sexual Jedi” and his powers. Ryan of course has to give in because he can’t resist a girl in trouble.

Summer pushpins a nice Devil Wears Prada poster to the wall of her room when Hippie Paul Rudd enters the room to ask her to spellcheck something for him (apparently Summer is still smart, even at Brown. Must be that 2300 SAT she got. Mm, yes). She takes him to her closet to show him her massive collection of shoes that are made from animal skin. I believe that one pair is my own pair of Coach gold cork platforms. She shows Paul Rudd all her InTouch Weeklys and the pic of Marissa which has reappeared. He is typically accepting of her because she is being herself and welcomes Seth with equal enthusiasm and the phrase “Just be.” Apparently that is hippie for “Go fuck yourself.”

Sandy tries to hang out with people from work and sounds more awkward than his son. That’s what Seth means about the Cohen awkwardness. Sandy gets totally blown off by the actor that looks like Monk. (Monk?) Summer hates The Valley apparently now because it SUCKS. She says “they just create fake problems about fake people.” She is very upset that she’s been falling behind on her celeb gossip although she apparently still calls Justin Timberlake “JT” which is so 2001. She puts down the celebretard mags in favor of the Solar Power Rocks! flyer that Paul Rudd left behind. Oh Summer, college is hard!

Taylor nervously sips Perrier in an effort to forget about her Frenchy husband and sasses Ryan. This could become the new power couple if only because they are too hilarious together. Taylor cracks my shit up: “What is your favorite fruit!?” Instead of the husband, the husband’s lawyer shows up to bring a little bit of French class and language to this oh so classy show. Apparently, Taylor can’t get a divorce unless she’s had an affair so she obviously pretends Ryan is the sexy lovah.

Summer reenters from a shopping trip in more leggings, because, sigh, we cannot get away from them. She apparently still has a problem with fur, and apparently with normal hair because she has a weird braid action going on. Seth takes off while Summer checks up on the rally while trying on the Ugliest Sweater Ever. She misses her old hippie buddies. While on the phone with Paul Rudd, she realizes that it is also the ugliest thing ever, but I think that’s supposed to be a metaphor for how she really has changed, and maybe she isn’t as shallow as she wants to be. (Perhaps, Summer, you may be capable of finding a balance between your activism and your boyfriend, and that whole bit about how he can’t handle a you that’s only into tanning is a figment of your overactive imagination? Too good to be true, right? I thought so.)

Julie is back to her barbed self post-separation-from-latest-husband and tells Kiki that she is getting over an addiction too – those pesky men. Remember, the first step is admitting you have a problem. Kiki is approximately the most boring character ever at this point. I almost want Jeri Ryan to come back to stir things up. Apparently Julie wants to rejoin Kiki in the matchmaking biz. Which apparently still exists although we haven’t heard about it in forever. One of the Newpsies shows up with a little new boobage and confesses she doesn’t need a dating service – she’s moved on to younger, limber men and apparently whores it up big time. These younger men are apparently still spending time with her in public despite her terrible tan and hideous dress. Julie is tempted. Blahhhh.

Luke’s brothers in matching Tweedle Dum water polo jackets propose a fake ID venture to Caitlin who is wearing a blouse-over-shirt combo that looks like she stole it from Marissa’s closet. She gives in. Big surprise. The bad girl dies hard.

Why do all of Ryan’s jobs involve lifting cases of beer and emptying them? HE does this constantly. It’s really bizarre. Currently he does it in a classy Mexican restaurant – so classy that the bottles on the bar are all identical bottles of Johnnie Walker Black Label (no tequila up in this biotch). Taylor shows up with a suspicious stack of papers requiring Ryan’s signature. Since it’s in French, Ryan has no idea that he’s about to commit to the lie of their affair but Taylor is a little cagey about the actual content of the contract so Ryan seems to have some idea that he is walking into trouble.

Meanwhile, back in Rhode Island, Paul Rudd polishes his didgeridoo and Seth enters offering him some leftovers. They happen to overhear Summer in some debate about solar panels and realize that she actually has changed. Seth is a leetle disappointed because maybe he likes his girls dumb after all, but Paul Rudd is all down with her righteous self.

Ryan teaches himself some French out of the dictionary (go Ryan, you have some smarts left in you despite getting your head bashed in so many times), and Seth calls to say he feels like Old summer has been replaced by Real summer who looks suspiciously like New Summer. Wrap your head around that riddle, my friends. He says “thi sis her life now and I’m sorry I don’t fit in it.” Summer walks in and they start to reconcile. Good girl. Just because you like the environment now doesn’t mean you have to hate on regular non-protesting dorks. Seth remembers he taught her what recycling was in 10th grade, so that now officially means I have hope converting Sean to the recycling bandwagon. Here’s hoping.

Naked Paul Rudd with a guitar tells Seth he has a gift for him – “my song.” It appears to be about polar bears dying and he appears to have the WORST facial hair ever. I feel like he might connect with Lili Taylor from “Say Anything” and they could sing discordant songs together. He hugs Seth in the nude. Gross.

Sandy’s man-date is ruined by the other dude being on the phone the whole time. Kids on the phone are such cockblocks. Oh shit, apparently the dude was lying and he was just feeling awkward about not having any guy friends. They bond about the past being so much fun when they had male friends. I preferred Sandy hanging out with men he didn’t have a crush on. This is boring. Bring back Jimmy Cooper and ninja video games anytime.

Kiki and Julie have their own date planned for the evening apparently and Julie is ready to run. Perhaps she is joining the slutty Newpsie for some hot boy lovin’. This plot is approximately the most retarded thing ever to air on this show. Kiki in her race to be the most boring person ever is ready to order takeout. LAME already.

Caitlin gets her fake ID wearing some strange lamé jacket. Another plot I don’t care about. Move on to bigger things, my friend.

Newpsie and Julie get wasted on Jose Cuervo (classsssy) while waiting for their younger men. Julie does some strange headshake when she takes shots apparently and they start to act like Laguna Beach girls on vacation in Cabo. Whee, plot, rotting away.

Ryan figures out that Taylor wanted to pretend they had sex “like, thirty times.” Apparently putting his signature down on a paper that he’ll never see again (at least if I know anything about loose plot ends and their tendency to disappear from this show) is too much work for him what with the whole Marissa death thing. Taylor gives Ryan a nice little speech about her sappy French husband suckitude and references Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes like it’s a MODEL relationship. After she leaves, Ryan repents. He also appears to actually be working at a Chili’s, which is masquerading as Classy Mexican Restaurant.

Seth, because he will never stop sucking up to get the hot girl, learns all about the environment from Paul Rudd. He tries to go to the rally with Summer, and is banned because he doesn’t have a student ID (TASER!). He tells Summer to go ahead without him and save the world. Aww, what a good kid.

Caitlin manages to go to the same bar where her mom is whoring it up. She is suitably shocked. Julie has a moment of good acting where she realizes that she really is being a drunk biznatch and leaves the bar and her sweaty dance partner. Wise up, Julie. You will not find a new trophy husband/meal ticket in a club. (Unless it’s the country kind.)

Sandy and his mandate hang out in the restaurant where Ryan works because it’s replaced the Bait Shop as the hangout of choice. Kiki calls to check in and Sandy, rightfully, stays with his bros because he knows that Kik is a huge bore.

Ryan shows up to rescue Taylor from the French lawyer and they share a surprisingly hot kiss. Oh Ryan, you come through in the end. You always do, so now we have a brand new couple to be excited about. The lawyer busts out some forced foreshadowing for the audience: “I may be a lawyer, but I am also a Frenchman. I know love when I see it.” Yes, I admit it, that kiss was kind of hot. Apparently Taylor agrees with me because she is all up in Ryan’s grill now.

Summer’s environmentalism apparently inspires her to wear dresses from the 14th century around campus (but doesn’t stop her from hobbling around in platforms to all-night rallies. That’s the Summer I know). She takes a break to talk to Seth who is napping outside, ever supportive. Can’t wait until he actually has a real life of his own at RISD, but in the meantime I will accept this cute good-coupleness.

Sexy moment with Ryan in wifebeater RETURNS! Nothing like girls popping into the pool house unannounced. Apparently the reason Taylor knows how to cook is because her French husband made her take a cooking class that she claims she failed, despite cooking the whole Turkey dinner last week. (Plot coherence, A+.) Taylor wants Ryan real bad and REAL obviously. She tries to spin a nice little story to get him to pay attention to her and Ryan resists, for the most part, because he is apparently the densest person ever. However, Taylor knows the way to a man’s heart is his stomach and apparently her peach tortes kick ass. This is clearly the new couple of the show (I mean, who else would it be? There are no new characters except for the Moron Twins and Paul Rudd, and those are not exactly Ryan’s type).

Sandy comes home to his boring wife to play boring strip Scrabble. At least it’s boring because only Sandy is taking off any clothes, big surprise.

I love how skinny women on TV ALWAYS eat huge tubs of ice cream when they are bonding, because that’s totally realistic and all. (I refer of course to Team Cooper.)

Taylor is the new Marissa. Prepare to see a lot of staring at the pool house n the future.

Seth has adopted that old lesson, “If you love somebody, set them free” which for him consists of lying on the floor of an airport with his suitcase as a pillow. And drawing new cartoons of the Vixen girl as an envirovixen. Do I sense a return of the Newport crowd in print? Yes! Yes! Bring it back!

Next up on the OC: Ryan is naked, Taylor’s in love! “How can you tell? She said Ryan was funny.” I cannot express to you how excited I am about the Ryan and Taylor sexual tension. Yes, I’m being manipulated by Josh Schwartz. No, I do not care. With the exception of Teresa, Ryan was always way more interesting with girls who were not Marissa, and Taylor is not enough of a wreck for him to have to look after her all the time. Yes, The OC! I’m coaxing you back into brilliance!