OC Liveblog Episode 7 - The Chrismukk-huh?

Hey all, I'm way behind on posting my OC liveblogs since I haven't edited them yet. I'm sure if you made it through my 24 liveblog you know why that's necessary. Anyway here's the first one.

Kirsten tries to be wise and motherly encouraging Ryan to invite Taylor to Christmukkah dinner. And then the weirdness of this episode starts. Ryan discovers in the mail a letter from Marissa! From the dead!

Kaitlin says: “I can’t believe we are spending Christmas in the ghetto.” What’s that you say Kaitlin? Oh yes, that’s right, it’s not the ghetto… it’s riverside. Awesome. The Cooper family together really cracks me up.

Taylor shows Summer the Christmas present she got for Ryan: a George Foreman grill because he “likes lean meat” which is yet another awesome sexual innuendo. And then she spazzes out about how she’s sure Ryan will invite her to Christmas which would be fine except for the whole letter from the dead thing. She brings him the gift but he blows her off and climbs a ladder to ignore her obvious attempts to get invited. “Poor Ryan – all of his muscles are well developed except the ones in his mouth.” Taylor continues to spaz, except now on the ladder, and this really is the peak of Taylor’s awesomeness: “I took your gift, the holiday themed rejection.”

Ryan and Taylor fall off the ladder together and then wake up, oddly. She storms off and Ryan ponders how strange it is that weird holidayish evilish music is playing in the background. “I hope you grill your face,” Taylor says. So very Michael Scott of you. Ryan walks into the pool room to find a workout room and then Kirsten shows up to scold the help for walking into wrong parts of the house. Dum dum dum!

What the hell is this strange cover of “California”? Is it even phantom planet anymore? I don’t keep up with my indie rock anymore so I can’t tell.

Turns out Kirsten really is a bitch before Ryan shows up to fix things around Newport. I guess we never saw her until Sandy forced her to take in Ryan, so there’s really nothing to compare it to. (No control, Emily. Use your words.)

Julie Cooper runs a homeless shelter which freaks the hell out of me. She knows your pain, Ryan, which is hilarious. Way to call him a street urchin – say what you really think.

Enter Seth, ubernerd. Clothes strikingly similar to what he normally wears only with Luke’s brothers harassing him. Seth goes to Brown! Thank god! At least in an alternate reality some things are right. Seth is obsessed with Summer still but can’t nail her, and Summer appears to be getting MARRIED. WTF?

Sandy is the mayor which is unrealistic and insane except that I think it ties into “It’s a wonderful life” somehow. Can’t really remember that movie (despite seeing it in pieces on tv about 483902 times) but perhaps this is some allusion. Sandy kicks Ryan out for stalking his family and Ryan flees to the mall. Excellent. I thought this episode would be really lame but it’s actually quite brilliant.

Flash briefly to Ryan in the real world hospital for the head injury, I assume. Kirsten, Sandy, Summer, and Seth come in. Taylor is also passed out but apparently neither of them has any real injury.

Taylor recognizes Ryan IN HER DREAMS which clearly means that they are MFEO. They realize they are in a parallel universe, not dead or asleep (they are mostly wrong about this). Taylor admits that she used to have a sci-fi kick and so she knows that they in an alt-world. They just need to fix something that is mysteriously wrong.

Summer is wearing a Juicy Couture suit and looks like a huge whore. She says “bitch” a lot like she’s hard. I pretty much think this is the best thing ever television wise – It’s changing my faith in Rachel Bilson as an actress - but plotwise it’s clearly what R & T need to fix. It’s actually the worst thing I’ve ever seen because in alt-world Che is “Chester” and he is a huge bro marrying Summer. This is Newport gold.

Meanwhile back in reality, the family decides to bring Chrismukkah to the hospital, being totally unconcerned about the two passed out teenagers beside them. Bring out the turkey and yarmulkes!

Chester turns out to be a huge whore cheating on Summer and is now beginning to remind me of someone else (besides Paul Rudd)… cannot figure it out. His character at this point however is pretty much exactly like the bad fiancé in “The Wedding Singer.”

OH MY GOD! JIMMY COOPER FINALLY GOT KIRSTEN! This is truly ridiculous! What an alternate reality. I’m so thrilled that Jimmy Cooper is reappearing.

Meanwhile Sandy and Julie Cooper are married and Julie is totally playing the philanthropic mayor’s wife. That house is the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. AND sure enough, the other skank that Chester is hooking up with is Julie Cooper, who, even in an alternate reality, has a thing for younger men. Also, apparently Chester has a thing for being spanked and Julie has a thing for spanking him. That’s awesome.

Taylor realizes at the Cooper-Cohen house that Marissa still goes to Berkeley, but is, um, well, how do I put this – alive. She has to explain that to Ryan, who doesn’t take it well. He tries to get out of the booth to Marissa. Taylor doesn’t want him to get distracted from their mission, but Ryan realizes that if Marissa is alive, perhaps he doesn’t want to go back to the real world, which leaves Taylor alone in alt-world.

Back to the real Coopers, Julie and Kaitlin prepare for Christmas in Riverside – no wine, just wine coolers. Kaitlin calls Ryan and Taylor’s sleep/passing out/hanging out in the hospital a coma-lite, proving again that she should be getting more of a role this season. No Riverside for them – they are now tracking down Taylor’s mom.

Kirsten discovers a letter that Ryan had in his pocket. Fancy that - it’s from Marissa. This plot still doesn’t make sense.

Ryan, at the airport, spots a classily dressed Cooper-type who turns out to be Kaitlin Cooper, the youngest in her freshman class at Cal, and clearly not a dooby-smoking biotch – er, at least not a high school dooby-smoking biotch.

MARISSA DIES IN THE PAST TOO! IN AN ALLEYWAY IN TJ! RYAN TOTALLY FIXED SHIT FOR THREE YEARS! And Marissa was doomed to be dead no matter what. Josh Schwartz is a genius.

Also what is this song – a weird Radiohead cover.

Taylor points out that without Ryan, not only would Marissa have died way back in Mexico, but also, without Ryan, “Kirsten hasn’t had an orgasm in a year,” which is very persuasive. Jimmy Cooper is not so foxy in bed I guess.

Meanwhile Seth tries to explain his parents that clearly what’s going on here is an alt-universe that both Taylor and Ryan are stuck in. yeah, that works well.

In alt-world, Taylor is a guy. “And my mom is still a bitch.” Don’t distract me from the real story!

Julie and Caitlin catch Taylor’s mom at the airport. They say “she’s in the hospital” – hopefully “anorexia?” Nice 24 reference, with Caitlin saying to her mom “That’s very Jack Bauer of you.”

Seth is freaking out to Ryan despite the fact that Ryan is a total stranger. Ryan spills the whole alt-universe thing and Seth falls for it because in this world he is still a geek.

Taylor drops a subtle hint to Kirsten about the mayor moping and crying about his ex-wife and Kirsten falls for it. Good fun. Taylor says to Ryan “Wouldn’t this be fun, you know, if you were actually doing it with someone you wanted to date.” She really doesn’t beat around the bush does she? Chester does a really good job of being a ridiculous asshole.

Taylor continues to work her magic, this time on Sandy, who ends up talking to Kirsten and laughing as if she hadn’t totally left him for her high school boyfriend.

Seth learns a bunch of background information about summer and starts to seduce her with talk of plastic toy horses.

Taylor realizes that perhaps the other thing she needs to fix is not Summer and Chester, but that she needs to talk to her bitchy mom.

Tate Donnovan discovers Julie and Chester in the bathroom and the shit starts to hit the fan – Kirsten and Sandy realize they have been played, Summer gets confused about her boyfriend being a total d-bag, if you will, and Seth defends her against Che, who gets distracted by someone else (Holly?).

This episode appears to be a cross between “Back to the Future,” “The Parent Trap,” and “It’s a Wonderful Life.”

Julie to Sandy: “You only married me because I could mastermind your political career.” So true.

Taylor starts to do a weird breath-catching thing a la Jack Bauer circa torture scene season 2. Then she realizes she’s got to go, because the thing she needed to do was confront her mom (oh yeah, that happened, I just wasn’t interested in that plotline). She leaves Ryan behind to do his work. And Taylor wakes up. “Come back to me Ryan” she says. Yes, do it!

Ryan goes back to the firing squad. Things are completely wrong, he explains. (Summer: “Why am I not drunk yet?”) Ryan explains to summer that she’s with the wrong guy, that Kirsten hates the Newport group and she still has a drinking problem. Sandy doesn’t need to hole up in a mansion as mayor, he needs to save the little guy and be married to Kirsten. Ryan gets dragged out by a security guard.

Taylor, now awake, runs into her bitch of a mother and shoos her off to the airport. For some reason she is being nice to her, I guess cause she already bitched her out in a dream world, which is, um, not so efficient. Mini-comas must be good for your spirits.

Kirsten passes the Marissa letter on to Julie, who reads it even though it’s still not addressed to her, and meanwhile in alt-world Ryan hangs out in the jail with a drunk Santa. He gets bailed out by… Sandy! Just like it should be. Ryan asks how the family fell apart. Apparently after Marissa died, everyone got stuck – they didn’t’ know how to say goodbye. So very fitting. This show really IS genius! It all comes full circle!

Seth at the hospital is all full of Chrismukkah spirit and talking about the Christmas miracle and such. I mean Chrismukkah miracle. I suspected briefly that Kaitlin was stoned, because she was so excited to see the food, but apparently not.

In alt-world, Ryan hits up Marissa’s lifeguard stand for a little goodbye to his past. With a tripped out version of an old song that played in season one when Marissa almost died in TJ (Into Dust). How does he have a letter in this world too? Oh that’s the letter he had in his pocket when he passed out under the ladder. Yes!

Ryan wakes up to Taylor, which is fitting. Neither of them can remember what it was that is really bringing them together. Taylor looks good in a bathrobe. Oh, and Ryan looks good in a hospital gown… how un-hard he is.