Ew.

Does anyone remember Joey Potter's two singing episodes on Dawson's Creek? You know, the one where she sang "On My Own" from Les Miserables and Dawson discovered, like, how hot she was? And then the other brief period where she was in Chad Michael Murray's band during season 5? And she tried to sing rock songs? And she sucked? Yeah, well, fans of Joey Potter's vocal stylings will really like this.

Triple booking my Tivo

Tonight is gonna be bad. Very bad.

Let me show you how:
8pm - Ugly Betty
8:30pm - OFFICE!
9pm - Scrubs
9pm - Grey's Anatomy
9pm - The OC

I have an elaborate scheme worked out that should be okay, but which will, in all likelihood, stress me out so much that I'll be thankful when the OC finally just bites the dust (in, what, 9 episodes?).

Scheme is: Tivo the Office, obvi. Watch Ugly Betty online (as well as, um, the last two episodes that I totally have not watched yet). Tivo Scrubs (we have roommate agreements. We share Tivo). Tivo Grey's on Friday night (because it doesn't steal enough of the nation's audience just on Thursday). Tivo The OC on my computer. Which makes liveblogging difficult.

Anyway, there is not much reason to blog this except that I am mentally organizing my life right now and figured I'd share with you how complicated life really is when you only have a single-tuner Tivo and a serious addiction to seriously bad television.

Memorizing 100 poems in a year... which would you pick?

Maybe I wouldn't memorize them, but I would like to read a poem a day. I feel like it would be good for me.

(via Bookninja)

Oh yeah, I've been meaning to post about this for at least a week.

Ridiculous!

Reblingulous!

I refuse.

Wacky Public Service Announcement!

It's like spraypaint, for your penis!

Now something new and fun for sexually active high schoolers to mess around with (just like that glittery body spray)!

body count

Hours: 6
Episodes of TV: 6
Episodes of Top Chef: 1
Members of Top Chef cast I don't hate yet: 3 (out of 10)
Members of Top Chef cast I'm preparing to hate: 2 (in addition to 7 already hated)
Times I use the word "douchebag" in reference to Top Chef: countless
Times I say "I love Tom Calicchio, even though he is a douchebag": ditto above
Episodes of Friday Night Lights: 1
Lines of blog entry I would devote to Friday Night Lights if I wasn't committed to this format of numbering: lots
Lines of future blog entry detailing why I love Friday Night Lights: unknown
Episodes of 24 (1st season, 1st DVD): 4
Moments Kelly had to avert her eyes from gory 24 scenes: at least 2.
Attempts/wishes to go to Blockbuster to rent 2nd 24 DVD: 1 (encompassing 1 hour)
Potential hours of sleep lost should Blockbuster plan not given way to sense: 4
References to those times I loved/obsessed over Alias: countless
References to time I watched Alias for 10 hours straight with Xtina: 1
References to how I can't trust anyone on 24 because of something I saw on Alias once: at least 2 per episode
Jack Bauer's body count: Lost count already.
Jack Bauer's resemblance to my friend Santiago: Lost count already.
Bottle of wine: 3/4 finished.

In other words, I am a wine wimp but a TV stud.

I'm primarily posting this for Dad's benefit, but it is pretty hilarious.

(Via TVgasm)

And, oh yeah, rage.

Bill O'Reilly revived the "war" on Christmas and declared that "[m]aybe the imams who got thrown off the plane [would] shop" at the home furnishings retailer Crate & Barrel because it has a policy of saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." O'Reilly also declared that Christmas is "a secular holiday" that "honors the birth of Jesus. ... And the reason it does is because Jesus was a philosopher," but "you can have a religious connotation to the holiday if you choose to."

You really don't need to read the whole article.

I shouldn't bother reading anything about O'Reilly or getting mad because I keep telling myself he is just one person who happens to be on national TV and really do I need to waste my time being that angry at one idiot who wants to be inflammatory? No, I don't.

Ugh, can we talk briefly about Heroes?

It's awesome. It's not as awesome as The Office but it's definitely the second best show on TV... or, it was, until 8 days ago when they aired the "Save the Cheerleader, Save the World" episode.

I don't know why people keep saying that episode was good because, well, it wasn't. Nothing really happened and half of the good characters weren't in it, and it ended really anticlimactically. Sylar is totally easily done in by Eden's SuperPersuasionPower, which makes me wonder why we were worried about him in the first place. Was it all a ploy on the part of Horn-Rimmed Glasses (Mr. Bennett to those non-TVgasm readers) to sapture Sylar to use him for his own sneaky plot? Why does HRG surround himself with evil(ish) mutant/heroes and freak out about his daughter? Anyway, suffice it to say that last week I was not impressed. Not worth the hype. (First of all, which cheerleader were they supposed to save? Claire, or her bitchy friend who died against the locker? I don't see this as so much saving.)

But then I decided, well, NBC's promotions are always letdowns. I remember when I used to watch ER and they would always have these promos -

THE

MOST

CHILLING

EPISODE

EVER

with words appearing on thes creen, scary Law&Order type music emphases in the background, and then you tune in on Thursday at 10 and someone gets shot in like, the foot, and no one dies. Come on! So I was hoping that this week's Heroes would make up for last week's lackluster.

No such luck. There were some good juicy bits - namely all the flashbacks, the 6-months-earlier things, where we get to see people's backgrounds. Unlike Lost's flashbacks, these were pretty explanatory - they really did cover almost all the bases (although Niki/Jessica's storyline is not only confusing me but also pissing me off and I want it to end) and they kind of cleared up a lot of little mysteries while adding more and showing how the heroes' powers all began, plus the whole Sylar thing is creepy the way all psychopathic killer origin stories should be. But the rest of the episode was basically a recap of last week! And it told us absolutely nothing new to move the story forward in the present. I appreciate the exposition, but come on, give us something to chew on until next week - the shot at DL, Peter's arrest, Claire's confession to her dad that she's maybe just a little bit capable of spontaneous regeneration, something.

Seriously - NBC is already on the rocks as a network. Why gamble with their best show by overhyping it? Just let it be that cool show that rips off the X-men, only not quite enough for anyone to care. No more shitty commercials promoting

THE

MOST

REVEALING

EPISODE

YET.

Just give me the show and get over yourself.

And thus I end my blogging hiatus.

BEST!

Apologies for the non-postage this past couple of days. I was at work, and busy, and then driving, and then yesterday I was at Casey's with Cristina watching 90210. Yes! It is truly brilliant and I finally know how much of a debt The OC and its brethren owe to the OG from 1990 - plus the fashion is killer - literally. So many bike shorts. I'm happy to say that Cristina has loaned me the DVDs so I can report on further episodes (more than 20 of them!) as I watch. In the meantime check out the liveblog on her site, which will be up sooner or later.

Anyway, it is Thanksgiving and I have to clean up and shower and hopefully help cook, so I will be signing off now, although I may be posting more later should I feel inspired. I actually have been building up a list of draft topics but just haven't had the time to post! For shame, I know.

Happy Turkey Day!

Oh. My. God.

No pun intended. Dad, sorry, here's more about religion. :)

(Via the Sinner's Guide to the Evangelical Right)

Is it wrong that I get really excited about things like this?

I love sleep, really, I do, but I would be so excited if I could control both its effects and the effects of its absence. A pill that makes you feel like you got 8 hours, when you really got 4? I'd pay for that.

Ew.

Ew.

Some of my friends are obsessed with this scene/song. Does it ruin it for you?

Great Success!

So I am cheating a leetle on NaBloPoMo or whatever because I wrote the OC liveblog after midnight but not after waking up on the Saturday. Yes, I cheated, but nothing that interesting is happening today in the news unless you care about sports, and I am just sitting around watching le TV. I think we are going to make sushi tonight, so cross your fingers for me and hope it turns out. I may be back a little later on for another post, but who knows. Consider yourself cheated.

OC LiveBlog - The Metamorphosis!

This is going to be an interesting liveblog as I am watching the OC on my computer at the same time I use the computer to type the liveblog. I get the feeling I’m italicizing in the wrong places, but the point is, it’s a juggling act and thank god Windows Media Center has a small, “keep on top always” window so I can keep my Word goin’ at the same time as the OC is rollin’.

Yeah, I just clipped the G off of two words in a row. I’m that cool.

I’m quite excited about this episode as I read online that Summer is going to really come into her own on this episode. Go Sum, we always knew you were better than Marissa, even though she stuck you with that shitty nickname.

We begin with Summer sitting down in some kind of counselor’s office and confessing that she has changed since she got to college. “What’s happening to my body?” This turns into a little montage showing the five stages of grief. Which is way cool, I have to confess. The classical music in the background only makes it that much better, except that I seem to recall seeing this same kind of montage on another TV show before (what is it?). She wears an I <3 Trees shirt while she says she is going to go back to celeb gossip and adds, “Crutches, ew.” She says she has to go back to her old shallow self to be good with Seth again. Good to know.

Cut to Seth standing in the airport at 8:30 am east coast time saying Summer’s gonna dump him. He wears a yucky mustard colored sweater which I’m oddly drawn to, and wakes up Ryan to tell him this extremely important information. Apparently he took some bizarre red-eye flight otherwise why is he waiting at the airport at 8:30 am? Summer enters all made up and looking hot again and kisses Seth right away. She is wearing a super cute tunic number and possibly leggings again. Why! I will not complain as Seth in cute moment says “My baby’s back!”

We shall see, eh?

Ooh, a new intro… Was this here last week? Willa (Caitlin) is in it and Taylor too! Good.

Ryan is running like hell on the beach and looks like he’s in some major pain. Maybe if he spent less time fighting people in cages he would not have so much trouble running and would have arms that were less beefcakey. HE and Sandy are doing the surfer dude thing and no one has mentioned the fact that he still isn’t in college, because that is never a problem in teen sitcoms.

Oh sweet, they finally bring it up. Sandy says he’s glad Ryan is back to his old self with a new job and being home. His job is being a waiter I think. I feel like he could find something better like all that construction he used to be good at.

Cut to Seth and Summer post-coital and all Summer’s enviroposters. She confesses that the old Summer is back with the artificial tanning

In a moment of plug, Seth has bought her The Valley season 3, which is another way of saying “Yes, we still haven’t sold any of last seasons’ shittitude to you fans hanging on by a thread.” The OC continues to have no shame.

Now, Sandy recaps the past couple of seasons to Kirsten to show that yes, he really is the sturdy and reliable one. With no friends, though. (Jimmy left TWICE…. And for what? I don’t see Tate Donovan up to anything interesting, or at all.) He wants to ask someone on a man-date because Ryan won’t hang out with him. Apparently he wants to hang out with some guy who is a good golfer and Kiki counsels him on his man issues. The moments between these two are totally not as good as they used to be… there is absolutely zero chemistry and Kirsten always seems to be baking or sitting around reading the newspaper. Come on bring back some Kiki drama!

Julie and her money-mongering daughter talk about how they need a new man to give them a free ride. While Julie continues to live in her separated husband’s house, she offers to ban men if her skank daughter will stay out of trouble. I think that Caitlin is wearing black nail polish, not surprised. Taylor marches in all perky and non-sweaty in a workout outfit asking if anyone wants a protein scramble, which sounds like a euphemism to me, and Caitlin points out that something from “Henry Michael” has arrived in the mail which is NOT how you spell “Henri-Michel, secret husband,” but whatevs. Taylor freaks out (she is wearing wristbands WHY?), and Caitlin pretends to check out the pool guy (been there before) to trick her mom into being the slut she really is.

Ryan is working at “El Pavo Guapo” which involves scooping full bowls of tortilla chips into piles, when Taylor shows up to charm him into helping her with something. Big surprise. She says she needs to get divorced and her husband is on the way to Newport, an event requiring Ryan because she will give into the hubby a.k.a. “sexual Jedi” and his powers. Ryan of course has to give in because he can’t resist a girl in trouble.

Summer pushpins a nice Devil Wears Prada poster to the wall of her room when Hippie Paul Rudd enters the room to ask her to spellcheck something for him (apparently Summer is still smart, even at Brown. Must be that 2300 SAT she got. Mm, yes). She takes him to her closet to show him her massive collection of shoes that are made from animal skin. I believe that one pair is my own pair of Coach gold cork platforms. She shows Paul Rudd all her InTouch Weeklys and the pic of Marissa which has reappeared. He is typically accepting of her because she is being herself and welcomes Seth with equal enthusiasm and the phrase “Just be.” Apparently that is hippie for “Go fuck yourself.”

Sandy tries to hang out with people from work and sounds more awkward than his son. That’s what Seth means about the Cohen awkwardness. Sandy gets totally blown off by the actor that looks like Monk. (Monk?) Summer hates The Valley apparently now because it SUCKS. She says “they just create fake problems about fake people.” She is very upset that she’s been falling behind on her celeb gossip although she apparently still calls Justin Timberlake “JT” which is so 2001. She puts down the celebretard mags in favor of the Solar Power Rocks! flyer that Paul Rudd left behind. Oh Summer, college is hard!

Taylor nervously sips Perrier in an effort to forget about her Frenchy husband and sasses Ryan. This could become the new power couple if only because they are too hilarious together. Taylor cracks my shit up: “What is your favorite fruit!?” Instead of the husband, the husband’s lawyer shows up to bring a little bit of French class and language to this oh so classy show. Apparently, Taylor can’t get a divorce unless she’s had an affair so she obviously pretends Ryan is the sexy lovah.

Summer reenters from a shopping trip in more leggings, because, sigh, we cannot get away from them. She apparently still has a problem with fur, and apparently with normal hair because she has a weird braid action going on. Seth takes off while Summer checks up on the rally while trying on the Ugliest Sweater Ever. She misses her old hippie buddies. While on the phone with Paul Rudd, she realizes that it is also the ugliest thing ever, but I think that’s supposed to be a metaphor for how she really has changed, and maybe she isn’t as shallow as she wants to be. (Perhaps, Summer, you may be capable of finding a balance between your activism and your boyfriend, and that whole bit about how he can’t handle a you that’s only into tanning is a figment of your overactive imagination? Too good to be true, right? I thought so.)

Julie is back to her barbed self post-separation-from-latest-husband and tells Kiki that she is getting over an addiction too – those pesky men. Remember, the first step is admitting you have a problem. Kiki is approximately the most boring character ever at this point. I almost want Jeri Ryan to come back to stir things up. Apparently Julie wants to rejoin Kiki in the matchmaking biz. Which apparently still exists although we haven’t heard about it in forever. One of the Newpsies shows up with a little new boobage and confesses she doesn’t need a dating service – she’s moved on to younger, limber men and apparently whores it up big time. These younger men are apparently still spending time with her in public despite her terrible tan and hideous dress. Julie is tempted. Blahhhh.

Luke’s brothers in matching Tweedle Dum water polo jackets propose a fake ID venture to Caitlin who is wearing a blouse-over-shirt combo that looks like she stole it from Marissa’s closet. She gives in. Big surprise. The bad girl dies hard.

Why do all of Ryan’s jobs involve lifting cases of beer and emptying them? HE does this constantly. It’s really bizarre. Currently he does it in a classy Mexican restaurant – so classy that the bottles on the bar are all identical bottles of Johnnie Walker Black Label (no tequila up in this biotch). Taylor shows up with a suspicious stack of papers requiring Ryan’s signature. Since it’s in French, Ryan has no idea that he’s about to commit to the lie of their affair but Taylor is a little cagey about the actual content of the contract so Ryan seems to have some idea that he is walking into trouble.

Meanwhile, back in Rhode Island, Paul Rudd polishes his didgeridoo and Seth enters offering him some leftovers. They happen to overhear Summer in some debate about solar panels and realize that she actually has changed. Seth is a leetle disappointed because maybe he likes his girls dumb after all, but Paul Rudd is all down with her righteous self.

Ryan teaches himself some French out of the dictionary (go Ryan, you have some smarts left in you despite getting your head bashed in so many times), and Seth calls to say he feels like Old summer has been replaced by Real summer who looks suspiciously like New Summer. Wrap your head around that riddle, my friends. He says “thi sis her life now and I’m sorry I don’t fit in it.” Summer walks in and they start to reconcile. Good girl. Just because you like the environment now doesn’t mean you have to hate on regular non-protesting dorks. Seth remembers he taught her what recycling was in 10th grade, so that now officially means I have hope converting Sean to the recycling bandwagon. Here’s hoping.

Naked Paul Rudd with a guitar tells Seth he has a gift for him – “my song.” It appears to be about polar bears dying and he appears to have the WORST facial hair ever. I feel like he might connect with Lili Taylor from “Say Anything” and they could sing discordant songs together. He hugs Seth in the nude. Gross.

Sandy’s man-date is ruined by the other dude being on the phone the whole time. Kids on the phone are such cockblocks. Oh shit, apparently the dude was lying and he was just feeling awkward about not having any guy friends. They bond about the past being so much fun when they had male friends. I preferred Sandy hanging out with men he didn’t have a crush on. This is boring. Bring back Jimmy Cooper and ninja video games anytime.

Kiki and Julie have their own date planned for the evening apparently and Julie is ready to run. Perhaps she is joining the slutty Newpsie for some hot boy lovin’. This plot is approximately the most retarded thing ever to air on this show. Kiki in her race to be the most boring person ever is ready to order takeout. LAME already.

Caitlin gets her fake ID wearing some strange lamé jacket. Another plot I don’t care about. Move on to bigger things, my friend.

Newpsie and Julie get wasted on Jose Cuervo (classsssy) while waiting for their younger men. Julie does some strange headshake when she takes shots apparently and they start to act like Laguna Beach girls on vacation in Cabo. Whee, plot, rotting away.

Ryan figures out that Taylor wanted to pretend they had sex “like, thirty times.” Apparently putting his signature down on a paper that he’ll never see again (at least if I know anything about loose plot ends and their tendency to disappear from this show) is too much work for him what with the whole Marissa death thing. Taylor gives Ryan a nice little speech about her sappy French husband suckitude and references Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes like it’s a MODEL relationship. After she leaves, Ryan repents. He also appears to actually be working at a Chili’s, which is masquerading as Classy Mexican Restaurant.

Seth, because he will never stop sucking up to get the hot girl, learns all about the environment from Paul Rudd. He tries to go to the rally with Summer, and is banned because he doesn’t have a student ID (TASER!). He tells Summer to go ahead without him and save the world. Aww, what a good kid.

Caitlin manages to go to the same bar where her mom is whoring it up. She is suitably shocked. Julie has a moment of good acting where she realizes that she really is being a drunk biznatch and leaves the bar and her sweaty dance partner. Wise up, Julie. You will not find a new trophy husband/meal ticket in a club. (Unless it’s the country kind.)

Sandy and his mandate hang out in the restaurant where Ryan works because it’s replaced the Bait Shop as the hangout of choice. Kiki calls to check in and Sandy, rightfully, stays with his bros because he knows that Kik is a huge bore.

Ryan shows up to rescue Taylor from the French lawyer and they share a surprisingly hot kiss. Oh Ryan, you come through in the end. You always do, so now we have a brand new couple to be excited about. The lawyer busts out some forced foreshadowing for the audience: “I may be a lawyer, but I am also a Frenchman. I know love when I see it.” Yes, I admit it, that kiss was kind of hot. Apparently Taylor agrees with me because she is all up in Ryan’s grill now.

Summer’s environmentalism apparently inspires her to wear dresses from the 14th century around campus (but doesn’t stop her from hobbling around in platforms to all-night rallies. That’s the Summer I know). She takes a break to talk to Seth who is napping outside, ever supportive. Can’t wait until he actually has a real life of his own at RISD, but in the meantime I will accept this cute good-coupleness.

Sexy moment with Ryan in wifebeater RETURNS! Nothing like girls popping into the pool house unannounced. Apparently the reason Taylor knows how to cook is because her French husband made her take a cooking class that she claims she failed, despite cooking the whole Turkey dinner last week. (Plot coherence, A+.) Taylor wants Ryan real bad and REAL obviously. She tries to spin a nice little story to get him to pay attention to her and Ryan resists, for the most part, because he is apparently the densest person ever. However, Taylor knows the way to a man’s heart is his stomach and apparently her peach tortes kick ass. This is clearly the new couple of the show (I mean, who else would it be? There are no new characters except for the Moron Twins and Paul Rudd, and those are not exactly Ryan’s type).

Sandy comes home to his boring wife to play boring strip Scrabble. At least it’s boring because only Sandy is taking off any clothes, big surprise.

I love how skinny women on TV ALWAYS eat huge tubs of ice cream when they are bonding, because that’s totally realistic and all. (I refer of course to Team Cooper.)

Taylor is the new Marissa. Prepare to see a lot of staring at the pool house n the future.

Seth has adopted that old lesson, “If you love somebody, set them free” which for him consists of lying on the floor of an airport with his suitcase as a pillow. And drawing new cartoons of the Vixen girl as an envirovixen. Do I sense a return of the Newport crowd in print? Yes! Yes! Bring it back!

Next up on the OC: Ryan is naked, Taylor’s in love! “How can you tell? She said Ryan was funny.” I cannot express to you how excited I am about the Ryan and Taylor sexual tension. Yes, I’m being manipulated by Josh Schwartz. No, I do not care. With the exception of Teresa, Ryan was always way more interesting with girls who were not Marissa, and Taylor is not enough of a wreck for him to have to look after her all the time. Yes, The OC! I’m coaxing you back into brilliance!

I meant to post this yesterday with a very emphatic "NO!" attached to it, but didn't get to it.

So here it is now, with an update (the benefits of posting late).

No!
No Part II!

Can I suggest a comment-off? Who do you think really is the sexiest man alive?

Salon's got some suggestions (and I agree with them on: Mark Ruffalo, would pick Jamie Oliver over Alton Brown, would pick Grey's George over Neil Patrick Harris - I mean, seriously? - am sort of creeped out although appreciative of the Sufjan nod, entirely weirded out by the Richard Dawkins, highly pro-Alan Rickman and Jon Stewart, and although I was pretty indifferent to the face behind "The Squid and the Whale," I'm gonna support the choice of that film's director, since the movie was awesome).

What are yours? I should get Caryl and Mom in on this one.