The OC Liveblog Episode 14 - The Shake Up

EARTHQUAKE? In Newport? Whoa, this is a hardcore earthquake. If it is an earthquake. Ah well.

72 hours earlier…

Taylor tells Summer that she doesn’t want any gifts for her birthday, just a party. But then Summer gets it out of her and Taylor says she wants Ryan to ask her to go with him to Berkeley. Apparently she applied when she got back from France. Also applied to a bunch of schools. She just wants Ryan to tell her that he loves her. Haha, earth shattering event? Earthquake weather.

They talk about the big one and how since it never happens they always wish that it would. Dum dum dum…

At the Cohens’, Ryan snatches up his keys and heads out to find Taylor already there thanking him for throwing her a birthday party. Apparently she never had one and spent every birthday talking to a psychic and watching 16 candles. I love Taylor. Anyway Ryan says he wants something in return for a birthday party and that he expects to “have his way with her.” Oh Ryan you’re funny when you’re funny. She says “funny to think about all of this ending… you going off to Berkeley.” Ryan says that’s 6 months away and starts to eat the croissant as a diversion. Or maybe he is just not paying attention to Taylor talking about impulsive jumps into the unknown. Taylor is trying to make him say he loves her. She says it’s her birthday and she’s getting sentimental – some excuse. She’s really nutso.

Kaitlin shows up downstairs wearing a terrible outfit to find Kevin Sorbo and her mom cuddling in the kitchen. Gross. Kaitlin says she is never going to start barfing. She starts to make fun of Kevin Sorbo for being from jail. Then he says he got his bag from REI so it’s clean. Ha.

Julie marches Kevin Sorbo out for his job interview while Kaitlin gets ideas about looking through his bag for… what… stuff to incriminate him? Or maybe planting things to incriminate him.

Holly is being a total airhead talking to Kirsten at prenatal yoga. She is so annoying. “Hey hos, come here.” Kirsten is apparently stuck with the Newpsies. Holly says that they are going to let Kirsten into the club the Six-pack Pack for staying skinny while pregnant. These people are truly awful I can’t even explain. If you aren’t watching you just can’t know.

Summer shows up at Ryan’s to tell him that she’s taking Seth to an art exhibit sponsored by George. She scopes out what Ryan is getting Taylor for her birthday. Drops the “nothing is as romantic as the first time you tell someone you love them” and ryan immediately starts to figure it out. “I have an idea, why don’t you tell her you love her?” Smooth. Ryan knows what’s up. Summer you are being decidedly unsubtle.

Kaitlin meets Frank at the mall. She says she doesn’t care that he went to prison, he’s just boring. He says she hardly knows him so she challenges him to say something funny. Kaitlin starts asking him about dropping the soap. She’s a real bitch sometimes. Kevin Sorbo is just asking for a chance.

Julie discovers all this weird clown porn in Frank’s bag, clearly from Kaitlin. There is such a thing as circus porn?

Summer and Seth are talking about the art at the environmental place. Seth doesn’t like the art cause it’s not arty enough and Summer is trying to get him to like it. She says to prove it by making his own movie. Hmm, I smell a plot.

Kirsten shows up at Sandy’s to say that the Newport people are awful. She says the young women are monsters. She doesn’t want to raise another child around this. Sandy says how about they meet his friend Spitz’ wife – that will make them feel better about Newport.

Ryan and Taylor watch some weird black and white movie while she tries to provoke him into saying he loves her. Ah apparently it’s the Hunchback of Notre Dame. She wants the hunchback to talk to Esmeralda bout how he feels and they could be happy for at least 4 years. Oh Taylor, seriously, take it down a notch. Ryan starts to say something……. And…. Nothing. He wants to rewind the last part of the movie. Did he do that on purpose? Hahahaha. His looks at her are really classic.

Now Taylor is writing letters to someone when Summer comes in. She says it’s the obituary for her relationship with Ryan – she’s telling the dean of Berkeley to give the scholarship to the next candidate. She says she wants to shoot him full of sodium penethol. Haha she’s really nutso. She thinks sometimes Ryan loves her but they just need to loosen his tongue. Summer has a plan. Trip to the wine cellar. I want a wine cellar.

Sandy peers out at Seth playing around with the sunlight. Ryan has just come back from a 9 mile run and Sandy detects a cry for help. Sandy tells Ryan that it’s ok for him to be scared. Not saying I love you is like saying you don’t love them. Sandy says for Ryan to just be honest and that will have to be good enough.

Seth is apparently filming the pool… or at least some funny blown up animals in the pool. And tells Ryan to go to Taylor’s for dinner.

Julie is challenging Frank about the clown porn and realizes that Kaitlin had planted the porn. She is all pissed at Kaitlin but Frank says that he can take it because he’s being hazed.

Summer doesn’t like Seth’s pool movie because he was lazy and chose the path of least resistance. He claims it was a satire but she knows the truth and tells him to find something better that he can get engaged in.

Kirsten and Sandy show up to Spitzy’s dinner with his wife who is supposed to reassure Kirsten about how people in Newport aren’t bitches. Turns out the woman is born and bred in Newport and essentially a slightly older version of Holly. People in Newport DO suck, viewers!

Taylor tries to force Ryan to drink lots and lots of wine. Very subtle, again. She says they can save the serious conversation for after dinner. Ryan is totally on to her. She wants him to try to see if he can taste the blackberries in the wine. Drink away Ryan. Dude Taylor don’t you know this kid drinks 7&7s?

This Carrie Spitz bitch is totally useless. She apparently still drinks tequila shots and acts like a total loser high school Newspie person. She hates her own baby sitting across the room crying with the nurse. Kirsten says she isn’t feeling well and wants to leave. This Carrie person sucks and tells Kirsten to call for baby advice and then calls them losers behind their back.

Taylor has gotten totally wasted while Ryan, thanks to the Atwood genes, is totally sober and carrying her ass up the stairs. She says “If I can’t get you drunk you’re never going to tell me you love me.” She says she shouldn’t not have rented Roger the homosexual or pretended to be a sleep therapist in order to get him. She starts to pass out and says “Goodbye, Ryan it was nice.” Then he calls her on pretending to sleep so that he will think she’s unconscious and tell her he loves her. And while she acts like a total drunk retard he says he loves her. Which is really the best time –better than the turkey moment in Friends. Taylor cracks me up. “Now we can go to Berkeley together!” And that officially freaks Ryan out a little bit.

Seth is videotaping Ryan now from a perch on a ladder. He says that the movie is about Ryan and his hidden emotions. Seth says “How does it feel to have Dean Hess’s sloppy seconds?” And wants to know what Ryan got her. He got her the love poems but Seth says “You might as well tell her that you love her” and Ryan confesses that was too late.

Meanwhile Taylor and Summer are debriefing the night. Taylor is hungover as all hell and says that they played the game “Drink” in her attempt to get him drunk. She says drunk, and he drinks. That works.

Now Taylor can’t really remember if he said it. So she needs to test and see if he actually said it and summer gives her the heads up about the totally romantic gift. And Seth is telling Ryan that he needs to sort of take it back by not giving her the romantic gift. Trouble is brewing.

Then Julie shows up and tells Taylor that she gave the mailman the letter from the counter to Berkeley and Taylor has to stop him. But he says once the letter does in the pouch it’s the property of the government. The post guy is totally going to give her the letter back. What a needless random subplot thing.

Frank shows up at Ryan’s to talk to him about how to win over Kaitlin the bitch. Ryan has no real suggestions. He still has the romantic love poems to give her. Taylor is still fretting.

Seth is videotaping everything and Sandy notices that Kirsten is sitting looking absentminded in the corner. Maybe it’s time to move, he says. But she says no since she wants Ryan and Seth to come home on holidays to their real house. Is this foreshadowing or just pointless filler?

Taylor is opening her gifts and gets a dictionary instead of the whole translated love poems thing. Taylor is on to him.

Julie is in the bathroom and discovers a page with Frank Atwood’s mugshot that says “This guy loves clown porn!”

Seth videotapes Summer talking to his mom about how she really wants him to get passionate about something since he seems kind of lost.

Julie finds Kaitlin to tear down all of the flyers about clown porn. Kaitlin really can be a real bitch sometimes. She says that she doesn’t think that Frank is going to stick around any longer because she doesn’t like people leaving her all the time. She says that she and Julie need to just be family by themselves for a while.

Ryan shows up to talk to Taylor who is crying in the corner. She is freaking out that he told her he loved her. He mentions that she said the Berkeley thing. She explains that she did it months ago before they started dating and that she needed to know how Ryan felt before she told him about the Berkeley thing. He says that planning to go to college together is a big decision and she says “Would you have said you loved me if you knew I’d gotten into Berkeley?” Hurt feelings all around but let’s face it it’s 6 months away doofus.

Taylor returns to the party where they are singing happy birthday to her with a freaking beautiful cake but she is clearly looking sad. Everyone knows something is wrong. Come on Taylor go for it. Ah well Taylor leaves and Ryan just looks perplexed as usual.

Ryan stumbles across Kaitlin who is looking depressed. This episode is kind of a downer. Kaitlin says by the looks of it they aren’t going to be brother and sister again, she didn’t want to rush into an insta-family and she was upset about it. Julie and Frank are arguing. Then Kaitin tells Ryan that if he doesn’t tell Taylor that he loves her, he’s an idiot. Julie agrees.

Seth shows Summer the video about her talking about passion. And he realizes maybe he should be a movie critic cause he likes watching them and saying what’s wrong with it.

Kaitlin and Julie have a family chat about how Julie told Frank that she needs a little space to spend with her daughter. Very mature of you.

Taylor is watching 16 candles and talking to the psychic. Ryan shows up with the real birthday gift. Which is way fancy. He apologizes for freaking out and says he really did mean that he loves her.

AND the earthquake starts. Oh my god this is a hell of an earthquake. It’s lasting for a really long time. Come on! No one get hurt! Shit, where is Kirsten and what is going on here. Kirsten is on the ground somewhere and Sandy finds her. And meanwhile every single place where they are looks like it’s collapsing – the light post is falling on Seth and Summer and Kirsten is trapped and the cabinet is falling on Ryan and Taylor, and the ice cream store where Kaitlin and Julie are is falling down. RIDICULOUS! So scary!!

I had to watch the preview on YouTube twice just to find out what the hell is going on: Who is “slowly slipping away?” What’s the deal with this? Is someone else going to DIE?! I can't believe there are only two episodes left.